Enlightening, enthralling, and ultimately scary as hell. Groomed is director Gwen van de Pas’ healing journey, on the way to trying to get the man who groomed her for sexually abuse in her pre-teen years. van de Pas also directed this important documentary.
For her, it started in her native Holland, when the man who became the assistant swim instructor followed what we learn is virtually a textbook process that made van de Pas feel safe, trusting and possibly even some kind of version of love toward her abuser.
The film lays out what the warning signs are, and I will quote them here:
The Grooming Process
Grooming is a perversion of romantic courting—you find yourself interested in someone, find out everything you can about him, see how you might fit into each other’s life, spend lots of time together and eventually become physically intimate. According to former FBI agent Kenneth Lanning, there are five stages in the grooming process:
1) Identify the possible victim;
2) Collect information about the intended victim;
3) Fill a need;
4) Lower inhibitions; and
5) Initiate abuse.
The journey Gwen van de Pas takes is not just a figure of speech – she literally returns to her childhood home in Holland (she has lived in San Francisco for years), where she speaks frankly with her father and brother and a renowned therapist. She also introduces us to several victims who tell their own stories.
There are many, many tears – but also a hopeful thread that pulls survivors along. For Gwen, a bit of undercover work is done, as she hires a detective to track down her abuser to trick him into submitting his handwriting. There’s also a subplot involving DNA that is as engrossing as anything a writer of fiction could conjure.
Your heart breaks for these women who were just girls when their lives were forever altered. One molester, whose identity is obscured, but obviously an older man who ruined lives before changing his ways, gives very clear-eyed factual information that could only come from someone in his position. Chilling, yes, but valuable.
And while it’s not always an easy watch – there is a happy ending.
Groomed: The Movie is currently streaming on Discovery+
If you or someone you know has been the victim of abuse, please consult these resources from National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse and from Groomed: The Movie
