I try to find at least something of redeeming value in every low-budget film I see. After all, it’s not easy getting a movie made – even a bad one. You need an army of people to work unreasonable hours for little or no money. You still need a photographer, editor, writer…

Hey what if the same guy does all of those things? Bingo.

That someone is Raphaello. A Renaissance man who does all of those things…very poorly, in Unchained. I’m serious- this guy goes by one name and makes movies like this?

I was keen to sit through it because the synopsis said that, quoting here: “An idealistic woman is kidnapped and forced to compete in an underground fight ring. Every night is a fight for her life as she plans to overthrow her captors and save the lives of many others doomed to the same endless cycle.”

No problem, I can sit through this interminable set-up with the unskilled actors, special shout out to the lead, Mair Mulroney, who is practically an anti-actor. Not one genuine emotion appears on her face, but I figure, “it’s okay – she’s probably an amazing mixed-martial artist, so it’ll be worth it when we get to those fight scenes.”

Hey, wait a minute – isn’t Academy Award-nominee Eric Roberts in this? My god, he was an amazing actor out of the box in films like the great Pope of Greenwich Village and Star 80 and Runaway Train. Big time films. Alas, Eric only appears as visions or flashbacks in the mind of Mulroney. All of his dialogue is from an off-set office. He literally has no interaction with the rest of the cast, just little snippets of pep talk lines (“never give up” , “always stay strong”, etc)

Oh, and a real pro-wrestler is here: Taya Valkyrie, real name Kira Hennigan! She’s just okay as the assistant baddie in this compound from hell, but wait until the fight scenes start, she’ll probably kick some serious ass!

Well, I’m sorry to say that the only fight scenes are so poorly choreographed to hide the lack of experience of the actors, that not even intentionally shaky cameras and frequent editing can give them any excitement. You have seen better fight sequences in SNL sketches on any given week.

And when we do see something that almost resembles action, it’s brief and then back to the silly dialogue, delivered in the most wooden way.

Oh, and even the soundtrack is super terrible. LIke the song that Mark Wahlberg sings in Boogie Nights, only this is unintentionally bad.

My regular readers will note that I always try to find films to recommend, because, believe it or not, we critics root for movies to be good. We want them to succeed. We want to recommend something you will love, or at least like.

I never tell people not to go see something. But I will say that if you think you can sit through this one to get to some action or cool fight scenes or something that isn’t ridiculous? I admire your optimism.

Unchained is now on digital | Zero Stars