One Of the Year's Worst
Just the title, “Breaking Dawn: Part 1” appearing on the screen was enough to start the girls’ squeal s at the 2.5 second mark of the film. At approximately 27 seconds into the film, and I swear I’m not making this up, “Jacob” (Abs of steel owner Taylor Lautner) rips off his shirt and starts running. More squeals, only this time drowned out by unintended laughter from the audience at how blatantly cheesy things have gotten within half a minute’s time.
Does a review of any Twilight Saga film even matter at this point? It seems that the fans of the franchise are sufficiently happy just to see moving images on the big screen. For the rest of us, the curious case of the Big Buck, But Bad and Boring Franchise torments us for yet another two hours of interminable sucking.
In act one, Bella and Edward get married in a sequence that moves so slowly and with so little happening, that it feels as if you’re watching the ceremony in real time. Bella’s white wedding gown, slit so low that it barely, just barely, covers her butt crack, is about as exciting as things get in the first half hour. Kristen Stewart, perhaps the least expressive and least interesting actress working today, barely registers a pulse (spoiler alert: this trait will serve her character well later in the film), and Mr. Mumbly, (Edward Pattinson) continues his own version of “less is not more.”
After the slo-mo wedding, the couple head off for their honeymoon which includes a PG-13 version of the consummation of their marriage that is actually ANTI-sexy. In fact, Edward’s “excitement” leads to him tearing apart the bedroom with his bare hands and bruising the bride’s legs and shoulders—haha.
But that doesn’t stop her becoming pregnant on her wedding night. Pregnant with a….with a….hmm, is it a vampire? A human? A hybrid? Either way, what’s growing inside Bella is killing her. Will the “baby” survive at the expense of the mother’s life? I shall not reveal the “plot.”
One positive note—the film is a Screen Heckler’s dream! It’s almost as of the dialogue was written with pauses for audience rejoinders. Like Jacob, the intense wolf boy who always seems like he’s on the verge of being an abusive boyfriend screen cliché—there’s a moment where he says, “I know how this ends and I’m not sticking around to watch.” And this reviewer can only reply (out loud, but not too loudly) “You lucky bastard—I have to stay here til the closing credits.”
Thank you for this!! i’ll see it at a matinee and will be prepared to talk to the screen : )