Movie Review: G.I. Joe: Retaliaton

It used to be that if a critic compared a movie to a video game, it was not meant as flattery. With a movie like “G.I. Joe: Retaliation,” such a comparison might well be a recommendation to its target audience. Either way, it’s true. The movie looks, feels and “plays” like a video game. And that’s not an accident. There’s even a jokey reference as we hear two characters’ voices in the dark, speaking as if they have their boots on the ground—and then it’s revealed that they actually are playing a video game, with their feet on the coffee table. Um, LOL ?

This new installment is a well made film, but it’s not a very good one.  It starts with a charming rapport between Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (still a charismatic, cool guy to watch, who still can’t act) and Channing Tatum. The script has them make just enough jokes between them to suggest that they’re aware that this is not a film that’s trying to be credible, just entertaining.

Like the short attention-span boys in the target audience the movie is aiming for, the movie fidgets and darts around pretty quickly—most of the fight sequences are edited with 1 to 3 second cuts—meaning your eyes never quite catch up with the action. There are probably some sick martial arts moves by great stunt actors, but the relentless quick edits make it impossible to appreciate them.

The bad guys have kidnapped the President and replaced him with a look-alike, thanks to the shape shifting powers of Zartan, part of the enemy Cobra squad. What do the bad guys want? The same thing as Dr. Evil—world domination. And they’ll nuke countries with the push of button if they don’t get their way. Oh, and Bruce Willis pops up as a General who has more guns hidden in his house than John Wayne Gacy had bodies in the basement, playing his ridiculous role with his trademark smirk. He’s probably thinking about the paycheck he got for this cameo.

There are two things in the film worth watching: A hair-raising fight sequence that takes place on the side of a cliff, with the combatants swinging from ropes. It looks cool and is well choreographed and shot. The second thing is fun because it’s so incredibly bad-don’t ask me the point, I couldn’t pay attention that closely, but the movie occasionally cuts to Tokyo where the RZA (from Wu-Tang) is like a sensei who instructs his , like, students who are soon to be, um assassins, in the ways of fighting—or SOMETHING like that. I’m sorry—I really couldn’t soak it in because I was too busy laughing at RZA’s thick Nu Yawk accent and the fact that all of his scenes seemed to be shot in a tacky Japanese restaurant in Jersey. Whatever.

Bottom line? If you weren’t a fan before, this improved, but still cheesy mess won’t convert you. If you’re already a fan and liked the first installment? This sequel won’t offend you. In fact, you’ll cheer. I have always hated the phrase “It is what it is.” But in Hollywood, that phrase is often used to describe movies that are bad, but perfectly suited to their target audiences. It’s a way of saying, “Hey, this ain’t Citizen Kane, but stuff blows up real good, and the ‘Good Guys’ win, and the visual effects are amazing.”

So, it’s better than before, still well made crap, and it’ll make 100 meeeelion dollars in its opening weekend.

But I’m not mad at it. It is what it is.

G.I. Joe is rated PG-13, in spite of countless shot and killed people. Because there is no blood splatter, the MPAA is cool with young children seeing the entire city of London destroyed and bodies by the dozens hitting the dirt.